Chapter 13 (Incomplete)

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

- Halo, Beyonce

“What if we don’t make it out of this? What happens then?” Carwyn inquires, his cerulean eyes staring deeply into mine, seriousness written all across his face.

“Don’t talk like that.” I clasp his hands in mine, my pulse beating wildly. “We’ll make it out, alright.” I want to throw my arms around him and hold him close and tell him everything is going to be alright, but I can’t. Because I don’t know if we are going to survive or not. I fight back the tears I know are coming.

“What if we never see each other again?” Carwyn’s hands clutch mine even tighter. “What if one of us dies, and the other lives?” I brake away from him, shaking my head and letting tears fall down my face. “I don’t think I could go through that again.” Carwyn grabs me by the shoulders and spins me around. “Do you have any idea what it was like for me when I thought you were dead?” he yells. “God, it was the most horrible thing I’ve ever felt! I felt as thought I had died. I thought about how I’d never hear your voice, never see your face or smile again…” His voice falters and he turns away so I can’t see him cry.

I fall on my knees, face in my hands. No longer am I afraid of facing Donnell, but facing the consequences that come after the battle. What if Carwyn is right? I won’t want to live he isn’t there to live with me.

And then it hits me, like a bolt of lightning strikes a tree. He is the only reason I have to live, the only reason why I kept going during all of those horrible years, the only real reason why I have to kill Donnell.

“Carwyn…” I stand up and he turns to face me, his eyes streaming tears. My heart aches to see him so sad.  “Before we do this, I need to know… how you feel…” I look down at the ground, trying to find the right words to say. “I mean, how you feel about me, because I lov-”

My words are cut short as Carwyn rushes forward and takes my face in his hands and our lips collide. A dizzying sensation enters my head and I feel as if I’m in another world, my brain completely numb. It takes me a few seconds to figure out what is actually going on, and when I do I grasp Carwyn’s shirt, pulling him closer to me and deepening the kiss. Little waves of electricity run up and down my arms and my heart beats wildly in my chest.   

Our lips move in unison, and I kiss him with every emotion I have in my body, both of us bound to each other as if we’ll never get another chance like this, another moment together. His hands find my waist and I wrap my arms around his neck. For that perfect moment, we’re entangled in each other, and I can feel every emotion inside of him. I take care to memorize the feeling before it fades. Both of us finally break away only when we need to breathe. I look up at him, our chests rising and falling, hearts thumping in harmony. 

“Cor?”

“Yeah, Carwyn?”

“Do you remember the first day we met?”

I laugh. “Of course I do.” I roll over to look at him while we are talking.

He smiles. “Remember how we were both running away from home, and how we made a pact that we would go together?”

“Yes!” I say, giggling. “And we made it pretty far before your mom caught us!”

“It wasn’t even fair! She had a horse!”

I reach over and squeeze Carwyn’s hand in mine. “Do you remember why I ran away that day?”

“I thought it was because Ionor wouldn’t give you any cookies.”

“No!” I say, giving Carwyn a playful punch on the shoulder. Then I get serious. “That was the day Ionor told me how my parents died, and what was going to happen to me on my eighteenth birthday.”

“You mean you had to live with knowing you were going to die since you were eight years old?”

I nod. “But if Ionor would never have told me that, I would have never met you. I’d just be a recluse on the outskirts of the kingdom, never knowing what was in store for me in the future.”

“And I’d still be the assistant to the worst king that ever walked the planet right now.” Carwyn says in a huff. “And I wouldn’t be with you.”

I smile, blushing.

“If this is our last night together-”

“Shh!” I say, putting a finger to Carwyn’s lips. This is the second time today that the topic of death has come up, and I don’t think I can take the pain anymore. “Don’t talk like that. We’ll be okay.”

“Sorry.” he says, stroking my hair. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I say softly. “More than you know.” And then he takes me in his arms and holds me there like I am a little girl. And I allow myself to cry like I am one. But for once in my life, they are tears of joy. I am in the arms of the most beautiful boy in the entire earth, and we love each other. The moment is perfect and surreal, something rarely experienced in a lifetime. And the moment will remain perfect if I don’t think about what is to come.

Finally, after Carwyn’s shirt is soaked, and I shed my last happy tear, I realize that Carwyn has been crying too, all over my head. I am going to get up and get a rag to dry myself, but Carwyn presses me closer to him.

“Don’t go. Please.” he whispers. So I stay, wet head and all.

“Were those happy or sad tears?” I ask him.

“Both.” he says. “I…  I love you.”

“I know. Me too.” I giggle, and I think about what those three words mean. They mean: I can’t believe we’re here right now, in love. But they also mean: I’m telling you I love you so if I die tomorrow, you’ll know.

I wrap my arms around Carwyn’s waist, kissing him on the lips. He is asleep already.

And then I wish so badly that we don’t know we love each other. Because what if he does die?

I wish to God that I never met that beautiful boy in the first place, and I fall asleep in his arms.